| No one really knows exactly how the first beer | | | | European Union facilitated the introduction of other |
| came into being ... | | | | beers into the German market, it took a court |
| Suffice it to say that, around 10,000 years ago, | | | | order for many stores to sell them. Most of |
| somebody let a primordial barley and hop | | | | those beers contained preservatives, and to a |
| concoction stand long enough for it to ferment. | | | | respectable German, that meant --- and still does |
| The result not only made anonymous history, it | | | | --- that such beverages were not beer. |
| was the genesis of beer's own special influence | | | | In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. |
| throughout the ages. | | | | So, in olde England, when customers got unruly, |
| Here are a few examples of note: | | | | the bartender would yell at them to mind their |
| It was the accepted practice in Babylonia, as early | | | | own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where |
| as 4000 years ago, that for a month after a | | | | we get the phrase, "mind your P's and Q's." |
| wedding, the bride's father would supply his | | | | Also in England's olden days, pub frequenters |
| son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is | | | | often had a whistle baked into the rim or handle |
| a honey beer, and because their calendar was | | | | of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, |
| lunar-based, this period was called the "honey | | | | they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet |
| month" or what we know today as the | | | | your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this |
| "honeymoon." I have also heard that the custom | | | | practice. |
| included one of the most resourceful bits of | | | | In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet |
| propaganda ever created for husbands. As the | | | | decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless |
| story went, if the groom drank mead for an | | | | to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called |
| entire moon, it would enhance the chances of his | | | | Admiral Vernon "Old Grog," after the stiff wool |
| wife bearing a male heir. The bride, however, had | | | | grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon |
| to abstain from drinking alcohol at all. I'll leave the | | | | began to mean the watered down drink itself. |
| punch lines to you. | | | | When you were drunk on this grog, you were |
| After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew | | | | "groggy," a word that has been expanded to |
| they called 'aul,' or 'ale,' a certain self-appointed | | | | include the effects of too much beer and is still in |
| breed of Vikings would head fearlessly into battle | | | | use today. |
| without armor, or even without shirts. In fact, the | | | | There are numerous quotations which pay |
| term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and | | | | homage to beer. Allow me to list three of the |
| eventually took on the meaning of their wild | | | | wittiest: |
| behavior in battle. They believed that Odin's favor | | | | "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I |
| was all they needed for protection, and if they | | | | drink, I feel ashamed. Then, I look into the glass |
| were to die in combat, it was only because The | | | | and think about the workers in the brewery and |
| Allfather decided it was their time to enter the | | | | all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this |
| hallowed halls of Valhalla. This was Odin's great | | | | beer, they might be out of work and their |
| 'Castle of the Chosen Slain,' where 'inductees' | | | | dreams would be shattered. Then I say to |
| would spend eternity in Viking nirvana, ie- fighting | | | | myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let |
| all day, having their wounds miraculously heal at | | | | their dreams come true than be selfish and worry |
| sundown, and then partying all night, with | | | | about my liver.'" |
| generous quantities of ale at their beck and call. | | | | -- Saturday Night Live's faux-philosopher, Jack |
| Before thermometers were invented, brewers | | | | Handy |
| would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find | | | | "Put it back in the horse!" |
| the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, | | | | -- W C Fields, disapproving of a sub-standard |
| and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the | | | | brew |
| yeast would die. This practice is where we get | | | | "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to |
| the phrase, "rule of thumb." | | | | be happy." |
| The first known consumer protection act arose | | | | -- Benjamin Franklin |
| with the German Beer Purity Law of 1516, known | | | | Given a good pint, composed of God's natural |
| as Rheinheitsgebot. This decreed that, in order to | | | | ingredients and nurtured by man's learned craft, |
| be called 'beer,' a beverage could only consist of | | | | beer has made us very happy, indeed. |
| four ingredients: malt, hops, yeast and water. This | | | | Just keep the joy below 0.08% of your blood |
| is such a revered regulation that when the | | | | content. |